Evaluation and Alternatives
The small town and the family often served as screening grounds for young women, protecting them from insincere suitors. The larger urban society can't protect young women very well, because of it's large anonymity and unaccountability. Some men can be proud of playing the field in such a free environment. Many men cannot. A culture that does not shield its women from bad suitors is a shameful culture.
OVERHEARD BY AN INVISIBLE MIND-READER GNOME:
"I'll have sex with her until I can get someone more to my liking." "O! I really like this one! I'll marry her so I can have regular sex . . ."
(later)" Gee, now that I'm older, I want a younger woman. Guess I'll have to divorce the old gal and marry a spring chicken."
Young women are to be protected, primarily by their fathers. Fathers are traditionally understood to be their authority and protection- the ones who "give (them) in marriage" to another protector, their future husband. The larger society cannot protect them. Thus our single young women should not move about so freely among young men as is done currently in our fornicating, aborting, single mom culture. Suitors should woo with the girl's parents nearby. Parties where marriageable young people meet should be arranged by the parents in the community.
Our coeducation culture has set up a "romantic" ideal that emphasizes the women's mobility and choice, but also leaves women vulnerable and uncertain. The ladies find themselves insulting their suitors out of fear and nervousness. This takes its toll on male pride and doesn't work out well generally for the women either. The women get bounced around "romantically", learning "lessons" and "growing" while men seek self-improvement as well, learning how to "score" better. Non-virgins capitulate to a very wild kind of sexual politics, which is understandable, since the sex drive is like a built in natural addiction- once you start, you want to have it often. This tension between the "fast" sex and the "slow" relationship is culturally confusing, and consequently, some hurt people, who can never seem to figure out how to manipulate the confusing and conflicting set of cultural rules, never find a mate or settle for a marginal one.
Everybody says arranged marriages are wrong, but they were good enough for the chosen family of Abraham and the human parents of Christ.
People say that older cultures (such as in the Bible) were too restrictive on women and on marriage in general. We of course are so much happier with our "progress" in fornication, unwanted pregnancies, broken hearts, abortion guilt, enflamed and economically exploited lust, and commercialized exploitation of postponed marriage frustration, which we call "youth culture", aren't we?
Well, if arranged marriages seem too "strict" to our cultural sensibilities, what about arranged meetings and parentally chaperoned "coming out parties"? Problem. This will require time and effort by the parents. But parents can find at least some time for this important phase of their children's life. I think they had better do something for their children, and not just leave their opportunities completely to the larger culture which does such a poor job. "Arranged courtship" is a less strict option than "arranged marriage." "Arranged courtship" has the advantage of giving the young woman leeway for her own decision without leaving her vulnerable to bad suitors. In any case, certainly even arranged marriages, for all their strictness, would be better than our culture's flaccidity. Our culture revels in distracting and wasting its youth's years of greatest sexual and economic strength.
Carefully arranged and chaperoned events would improve a girl's chances of being courted by serious suitors. Parents can be helpful by keeping it fun and light hearted, or at least casual. They should not make it seem like a big deal, because this will make the young people tense.
Now in view of the desirability of a lifelong marriage in which sexual attraction does not quickly wane, shouldn't society move toward an acceptance of older male suitor's?
Acceptance of some age difference has been hard to find at coeducational institutions. Young people, naturally influenced by the environment in which they are placed, feel safer and more natural with friends their own age, having been educated for years with their age group, and they care a great deal about what their friends think. Seniors and graduates are embarrassed about their attraction to freshmen girls. Potential couples try to tell themselves and others that they are "just friends."
Parents who themselves where raised in a coeducation culture find themselves resistant to older suitors. But in light of earlier traditions where a ten to 15 year age difference was common, should parents object to the attraction of late twenties unmarried men to their late teens daughter? A ten year difference in age- is that objectionable? With marriages in older cultures, such as Joseph and Mary in the New Testament, it was probably a 15 year difference, the typical age difference of that time and culture.
Whatever age difference is decided as best for the average, our culture needs a makeover in many aspects of its thinking and habits. Strong cultural concepts are needed to create stronger marriages than what we now have. These must come through the parents more than through educational institutions and the mass media. Sex drives must be channeled honorably and happily, and pride must be channeled through cultural influences, for the safety of young women, the proper matchmaking of future couples, and the happiness and economic security of the children they will bring into the world.
